Days 173 and 174 ~ Weekend Wrap Up with PHOTOS!

This weekend was amazing.  The weather was gorgeous, and a true blessing.

Saturday, everything fell into place to make Keira's second birthday party an absolute joy.

Sunday, I spent the morning doing a really cool photo shoot.  I can not wait to share those photos, but I do have the awesome memories of Keira's party to share with you.

Thank you to all that came out to celebrate the birth of my little girl.  It means so much to me.

Days 169-172

The week has flown by.

Bye week!  I don't remember any of our conversations because you came in and then left so quickly!!!

I was officially offered the management position for the Ghost Tour job.  I am taking it.

If you have read my posts recently, you will absolutely see my internal war within about jumping back into the workforce.  I call it an internal war.  Others may call it bipolar.  Whatever.

I took my drug test (which although I am absolutely positive, there is some odd anxiety -add that to bipolar in my list of issues- that somehow someone slipped me some drug and I didn't know, and the test will come back and I will have to say, "I have no idea how that was in my system!" and I will cry and no one will believe me.)

That is what goes on in my head.  As you know by now, I am not exaggerating, these are conversations I actually have in my head.  With myself.  I am lucky if a few sentences don't slip out loud.  Then I just look like the crazy lady talking to herself down the street.

This week was spent getting things ready for Keira's second birthday party (I haven't talked about it because it makes me sad that she is turning two.), helping my friend move, running all over creations for God knows what, and spending an obscene amount of time in my car, or getting in and out of my car.

On the plus side, I made it to the gym a couple of times this week, and I weighed myself for the first time since I started the slow card life.  I was down 11 pounds in a week and a half.  That certainly made for a very happy me.  Giving up all that bread and pasta is worth it, and I do really feel a thousand times better.

I will hold off talking about Brody's speech evaluation today, because I want a complete picture first.  Basically the same stuff was said, only this time he was actually classified as having a moderate to severe speech impediment.

I feel sad about that classification, but I know how smart Brody is, and I know this won't last forever.  He will get better, slowly but surely.

That is where my mentality is right now at least.

And on that note, no pictures today, but lots to come!

Days 166, 167, and 168 ~ Weekend Wrap Up

I am coming to grips with the fact that weekend will more than likely never be calm, or what I perceive to be relaxing for a very long time.  That is not to say they can't be fun.

Saturday we got a lot done.  Nathan prompted me to finally tackle my car and we took all of the seats out and vacuumed and washed and scrubbed.  It was long overdue.  I was hesitant to tackle the project.  Okay, I felt like my kids when they are told they have to do a chore they don't want to do.  Eventually I caved and just did it though, and of course I am very happy that I did.

We have been doing lots of purging and tidying, and that is always good for my mental health.

It is sad to donate baby items, things that were so loved and well used by my children, but there is also a sense of moving on.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, baby stuff just takes up so much room!!!

Sunday we celebrated my mom's birthday.  I had fun making her a cake I was dying to make for a while.

As I touched upon in my last post, I have been at war, internally with jumping back into the workforce, and being available for my children at all times.  It is an emotional time for me.  It may sound silly, but it is difficult for me to process.  My constantly building anxiety issues don;t help, and unfortunately I don't think anti-anxiety meds will be beneficial as an actor, so that is not an option.

I was offered a management position for the Ghost tour company, which is something I feel like I can't really give up.  A second income in a family of six, is huge to say the least.  I think what it comes down to is I need to try it out, and if it is too overwhelming, or isn't financially worth the time away from the kids, then I have Nathan's support and backing to step away from it.

I feel like that is fair.  This may be good for my (again ever growing) perfectionist, my way is the right way train of thought.  I know Nathan will totally make it work and do great alone with the kids, running from practice to practice, doing homework, getting dinner together, baths, bedtime routines etc.  Although his way will definitely be different than my way, different isn't bad.  Those few nights a week I get to do those things will mean even more than they do now, to me.

Again, I am fully aware that these irrational fears about doing this are just that, totally irrational.  I know it will be so good for me to get out and to have fun at my job, and to do something I love, acting.

And on that note...

This weekend Nathan and Keira went on a special little date.  They came back with the movie Tangled.  We have watched it approximately 5,792 times since Sunday night.  This is probably because it is a princess movie and it has a horse in it, and singing.  Basically that is Keira's idea of heaven.

Weekend Wrap Up Photos:

 Keira not blinking or moving while watching Tangled for the first time.

 Take one, photo with mom and Ty on mom's bday.

 Take two, birthday photo with mom and Ty

Possibly my favorite of Keira playing music for us.

I wish you could have seen her outfit she chose for the day in full force.  She had her nice necklace from Italy, a flowered dress, those leg warmer, a white fur coat, a pink purse, her ballet shoes and her hair in two french braids like Rapunzel.

Days 163, 164, and 165

I knew this time of year was coming.  Maybe I didn't want to admit to myself yet.
It is the crazy, busy, chaotic, I don't know if we're coming or going feeling.  Sometimes it feels like we're all on a ride that has spun out of control.

The winter is a lull as far as activities go.  Sure we are still relatively busy, because we are constantly balancing 6 individual schedules, but now that April is here, we are in full blown losing our minds mode for the next three months.

This week has been an extra busy one with a producer coming to our house, a big audition, school events,  Brody's evaluation meeting (which I am not yet ready to talk about), and other personal things going on.

Also, on Wednesday, Sharon's mother passed away.

It seems the universe has been taking the last few days of March to prep me for what lies ahead.  In truth I probably need the prep.

Late last night I couldn't sleep.  I had received emails regarding Ty's baseball schedule, and much to my surprise his season starts Sunday.
I recently audition for something in which I could potentially work 4-5 evenings/nights per week.  When I got Ty's schedule my head started spinning.  I instantly knew this job, which I had already built up in my head, was now just not going to be possible for me.

Well I shouldn't say that.  Of course it is possible.  I just have such a strong emotion attached to being there for my children, for everything.
I have never missed one of Ty's sports events.
I was getting anxious when I only had Ty's baseball schedule, and I knew Nate's baseball schedule was coming soon too.

Here is where my guilt and anxiety really builds; as I said, I have never missed anything of Ty's, and I certainly want to be that same consistent observer/supporter/encourager for Nate too!  And when it is time, for Brody, and Keira.
I guess it hit me, that at some point I may not be able to be at something and that just kills me.  So this job, which could take me away from this precious, fleeting time I have with my kids who are growing so incredibly fast, suddenly didn't seem worth it.
That internal give and take was hard for me last night.  Trying to find a balance between myself, and my dreams, and my children, and how present I am in each aspect of their lives.

For me, listening to them retell the story about the game winning home run just isn't enough.  I want to be there jumping up and down, cheering them on, or at times, comforting them when the game didn't go their way. 
I know plenty of parents miss things, and I know it is okay if I do from time to time, but for me, it is too unsettling.  I'm not ready.

I cried talking to Nathan, who was incredibly supportive, and never judged me for these feelings, or made me feel like a job and the extra money was more important than my feelings. 

I know I was being emotional, and it was probably in part because I hadn't slept in two nights, and once again was up in the middle of the night.  I know it had to do with the helpless feeling that came out of Brody's evaluation meeting.  It was a meeting that was completely going in Brody's favor, until a random statement made by a substitute therapist in her ONE HOUR time span she has spent with Brody (an observation not one of his parents, or any of the other people evaluation Brody noted) that changed the course of the anticipated amendment to his current IEP drastically.  I stated my case, but once again, I felt like I was back in the office for his hearing test, when the audiologist flat out old me I shouldn't have brought him back, looked in his ears, told me they were fine, but once the tests were administered, apologized and said he in fact could barely hear. 
I know there are some parents who, rightly so, think the worst and want as much as they can for their child, even when it may not be necessary, because they love their child, and will always worry.  I just wish I didn't have to constantly prove to certain people that I know what I am talking about.  You would think raising four children should count for something.  When my child tells me he can't hear something, that should be a red flag, when he is not progressing at the speed he should, that should be a red flag.

Again last night, I jumped from being there for my kids, to what is going on with Brody, finally, allowing myself to just break down in frustration.  I want the very best for my children, because I know they deserve the world.  I don't ever want anything to hold Brody back.  He is so funny, and smart, and witty, and most people don't know that because they can't understand him.  What makes my heart break, is that he is smart enough to know they don't understand him.  It frustrates him and makes him upset, and those frustrations come out in many different ways.

I am turning to our pediatrician now, to help me navigate this world of second opinions and advocates.  I know it is going to be a bumpy, emotional road.

I think that is all I can write about right now.



And on that note...

Days 158, 159, and 160 ~ Weekend Wrap-Up

My life, if you haven't already grasped from reading my blog, is pretty random.

If there were a word that emphasized random even more I would use it.

I feel like I jump from thing to thing, always diving in full force, and although I usually will see that thing through (mostly because I hate that "what-if" feeling), there are times I don't.

For instance, there was this time when I was in 8th grade and was fascinated by all things John F. Kennedy, and I rented the Warren Commission Report from the library, convinced all that was needed was my fresh set of eyes, and I could solve JFK's murder.

Or the time when I was even younger (maybe 8 or 9) and after a trip to The Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, and being enthralled in the Ancient Egypt exhibit, I bought a book on hieroglyphics, and decided I would teach myself to be fluent in them.  (I'm not sure if that is the correct terminology, but you get the idea.)

Gosh I was a strange child.

Okay, gosh I am a strange person.

Is it any surprise then, that I am throwing myself into the latest project full force.  As I said before, I can't say just yet what it is, but I will say I have spent almost all weekend purging my house of junk and clutter and scrubbing surfaces, and basically getting it "production ready."

We have a producer coming over on Tuesday to meet my family.

No I am not getting my own TLC show.

And although I have jumped in feet first, and I am excited about the possibilities of this project, we have not officially booked it yet, and I am always worried about silly things.
 What kinds of things?
Sure I'll tell you.

I am worried that our dog won't stop barking at new people.
I am worried Brody will insist on wearing some strange concoction of clothes.
I am worried Keira will turn into her attitude filled alter-ego and give people her mad face.
I am worried Ty will roll his eyes, and tell people his entire family is crazy.
I am worried Nate will go on and on and on about some fantastical story, that starts out true and then takes a sharp turn somewhere into the wolves that live in our backyard and hunt raccoons and snakes who he growls at and fights with his bare hands.
I am worried Nathan will never forgive me for this.


Those are just a few.

But then I think of the opportunities and memories, and potential it has, and I forget all about those worries.

Until I am in bed thinking about that closet that needs to be cleaned out, and wondering if they will ask to look inside it, and then they will open it and books and dvds and board games and thousands of Legos, and all those shoes missing a mate will fall all over them and bury them alive and then I'll have to cal 9-1-1 and explain that I didn't know they were going to open that closet, and I'll have to apologize to their families.

I have no idea where Nate gets his imagination from.


I am just about done with the house though. 

I cleaned Friday.

Saturday I went from errands, to dropping of Ty with his friend, to a baby shower, to a birthday party, to the library, to getting Ty to crashing and swearing I'd never pack a day so full again.

Sunday I cleaned (and cooked too) from 9am to 5:11pm.
I know it was 5:11 because I asked Nathan earlier in the day if I could leave for the gym at 5, but I was delayed while feeding the kids dinner, and so 5:11 I walked out the door.

I came home to give the kids baths and get them ready and in bed, then put away 4 loads of laundry, and shower, and finally at 10:30 I sat down to relax.  I think I lasted a whole half hour before I was fast asleep.

Weekend wrap-up photos:

 This is my diet.  I ate about 1/4 of this before I was stuffed.

 This is Nate, practicing his torturing skills on my poor cat, Bella.

This is my mudroom/sunporch.  It is empty and spotless.  It is a miracle.