More Photos

I mentioned in my last post that I had a photo shoot this past Sunday.  The photos are beginning to trickle in, and I could not be happier!

Here are a few to show you.


We went with a theme of recreating some wonderful older Hollywood pics, but making them modern and then just kind of going with the theme.  Example:  This Audrey Hepburn photo, and our recreation of it.

 

Here are two more.  It was such a fun shoot.  I can't wait to share more as they come in.

Days 155 and 156

Tuesday I spent the day in preparation.  I received a short monologue recently, to memorize and read for an audition Wednesday, for a very big movie, with some very big name actors. 
Although I had memorized it, I was working out the nuances of the character, and her attitude, and personality.  It was very tongue in cheek, dark, somewhat bad humor.  Anyway, so I spent the day rehearsing, and stressing, and being anxious. 

But by the end of the day, I was feeling ready.
I had practiced walking around in super high shoes all day.  My legs and butt were sore from that alone, somewhat of a bonus.  I know that seems extreme, but the shoes are basically stilts.  I feel like I am on my tippy toes in the them.  But they are cute, and they were very appropriate for the character (think Joy from My Name is Earl.)

Shoes:

I woke up bright and early for a good workout this morning.  I switched things up a bit, which always feels good.  When I got home it was 630 in the morning, but it felt like I was rushed to make it out the door by 930.  Three hours went by in a blink, and I was off to my agency.  It was a good audition, but my casting director believes the part will more than likely be cast out of L.A., the single most frustrating thing you can hear as a local actor. 

For once though, I left the audition completely calm and resigned to the motto "whatever is meant to happen, will happen."

I said a little prayer on my way into my audition today.  I prayed that I could be confidant and secure no matter what.  It is hard going in so many times, and putting yourself out there, only to be told you are too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, too pretty, too whatever.  It is hard not to take that personally.

That is why I prayed.  I want to always love acting, and never get caught up in the downfalls.

Today, I was rewarded for that.  An exciting opportunity that I believed had passed us by, returned full force into our lives.  I am unfortunately not able to talk about it right now, but I will as soon as possible.

And if this new thing falls through, there will be something else that comes up, because that is the business.

For the rest of the day, I soaked up my kids.  It felt good too.  We giggled and played, and it was perfect.


See this boy?  The one who now only wears shorts, who is wearing a football jersey backwards, and has his shirt tucked in, and his shorts hiked up high.  He is so funny, and I am in love with him, and all his funny quirks.

The End.

Days 145-148

So far behind, so very much to catch up on.

But life has been full, and that is all one can ask for, right?


Saturday We went from Ty's baseball tryouts, to Ty's playoff basketball game (they sadly lost by 3 points, after leading almost the entire game,) to the park for a couple of hours of running around and playing baseball with the kids (because it was beautiful out), to home for baths and shower and dinner and bed.

Keira raising her stick at the park/baseball field.

I woke up on Sunday morning to Brody and Keira in the middle of my bed, sleeping like this:

  Melted my heart.  Completely.  I almost melted right through the floor.  Their relationship has really developed and blossomed.  They are as close as can be, and I hope it remains that way always.

Sunday seemed to be traveling a million miles an hour.  It may have have had something to do with daylight savings, but I will not  complain about that, because I happen to love, love, love more time to play outside, and more time to run, and more time to go for walks, and more time to soak up some vitamin D, and more time to do all the things that I have been missing these past few winter months.
Sunday morning Ty had two of his friends over to rehearse for their school's talent show auditions.  While they were over, I made a massive batch of spring rolls to take to my grandmother's birthday party.  I picked out my clothes for my video shoot later that night (I had to bring a few different choices.)  As soon as Ty's friends left, we rushed out to my grandmother's party.  We had a great time visiting with family.
In fact, we had such a great time, that the actual time creeped up on me and I ended up dashing back home just in time to change and say goodnight to the kids and head into Boston.
The location of the video shoot was at the Boston Public Library.  Although I have briefly been inside before, I did not remember much about it.  It is stunning to say the least.
We waited a very, very long time to shoot.  Just about three hours to be exact.  There were only 16 of us cast as "dancers", and we spent most of that time talking and getting to know each other.  We also spent the time watching the band film outside in the freezing cold.  They looked amazing.  When it was time to film we went upstairs, and I was blown away by just how ornate and intricately beautiful the library is.  I wish I had thought to bring my phone with me upstairs just to snap a few photos of the rooms we were in.
We danced a lot, and did a bunch of takes.  (We were filming Night Shift's video for DJ Got Us Fallin In Love Again, which once our video is out, you will see we filmed it to look exactly like Usher's video.)  We watched a playback at the end of the shoot, and it look so incredibly cool.  I honestly can not wait for you all to see it. 
It all made that fire inside me roar that much more. 

Monday I was beyond tired.  It was a struggle to do much of anything.  I picked up as best as I could, and went through the daily motions.  There was a lot of snuggling and book reading thrown in though, because on Monday, that is what was comforting and what felt right.
We also went to Ty's school for his talent show tryouts.

Tuesday morning was spent at an audition, followed by dropping Nate off at school, having a friend stop by for a bit, having one of Ty's friends over after school, and the best part of the whole day, having my washer fixed after almost two whole weeks.

TWO WHOLE WEEKS.

So clearly you know what I will be doing for the rest of the week.

If I can manage to crawl out from under the 10,897 lbs of dirty clothes around me.

At least you'll know where to look if you haven't seen me for a while.

Day 144

Last night Nathan and I hung out with the kids, got them into bed, and settled down with a glass of wine, ready to relax for the night.

At about 9pm, my phone alerted me to a new email.  Out of what Nathan would call a very annoying habit, I picked it up to see it was from my agency.  Earlier in the day (after my audition, which was hilarious, and if you are friends with me on facebook, you have read my posts about having to wear a figure skating costume that was made for me back in 8th grade), and immediately after getting a call about three more auditions for Monday, I got an email from the owner of my agency about submitting my info to a client for a music video shoot this weekend.  I told her that was fine, and I was available.  I didn't think much about it, because frankly, I get these emails often, and once submitted, things go to the client who goes through what is called the "pick list" (a whole bunch of photos and resumes the agency hands them) and decides who they want.

That 9pm email?  It was telling me the client chose me, and I booked the job!

This is amazing for the following reasons:

• I booked a job.
• I will be getting a paycheck.
• I have not booked a job since The Game Plan.
• My new year's resolution was to throw myself in full force, into the acting business again.
• I have been going on so many auditions, etc and have booked a job after THREE months of making that resolution.
• If you think three months is a long time, it is not, it is relatively fast.
• I get to wear pretty clothes.
• I get paid.
• Did I mention I will get a paycheck?
• I BOOKED A FREAKING JOB.

This is me.  Happy. 

Okay and a little smug.


I film Sunday night, and I couldn't be more excited.

And to those who have texted/called/sent facebook messages, and have supported me and been super encouraging and by my side, I say thank you.

Days 141, 142, and 143

Escape.

We are craving it.  The pent up winter energy is creeping out of our pores.

Don't get me wrong.  I actually enjoy the winter.  There is something very satisfying about the change of seasons, and getting to see everything "sleep" for the winter, to grow back in beautiful colors in the spring/summer.  It makes me appreciate each season.  I just wish sometimes, winter was only a month or so long.  Because snow is pretty and all, and finding inside activities can be a nice break, and well, hot chocolate and snuggling under the blankets is amazing, BUT I need warm air more.  I need beach trips and dirty feet from running around outside barefoot.  I need the smell of fresh cut grass, and walks to the park, or anywhere.  I need less t.v. distractions, and more good books being read while sipping lemonade and dipping my feet in the kiddie pool.

So am I totally excited that I saw two days in the sixties predicted for next week?  Yes.

I have a strong feeling, maybe more of an internal instinct that the hibernation period is coming to a close.

I even saw the green sprouts of my gorgeous tulips peeking out of the ground.

This year Nathan and I have talked a lot about our garden.  We have always wanted a nice garden, one constantly blooming.  We have tried, but not wholeheartedly.  Gardening was one of the things Sharon did so well, and loved so much.  She was known for her amazing gardens throughout her already beautiful property.  Because of all of this, Nathan and I have decided to jump in and go all out for the garden this year.  We are already planning and getting excited about the possibilities.

We have spent the past few days taking it somewhat easy.  I am still, of course, recovering.  We have made little trips to places like the library and craft store.

We have been painting a lot lately, which has come about out of the necessity for finding something we haven't done yet this winter, and therefore will keep everyone from getting cabin fever.

We have been opening the windows and venturing outside when we can.

I am entering a surge of auditions, and am excited about the possibilities and opportunities that they hold for me, and for my family.

Everything feels full and new and very much on the verge, with life in general right now.

It is a good place to be.

It is an even better place to be to see that, and feel that.  There is a larger gratitude for the moment, when you are aware that the winter is closing and life is kicking into bloom right in front of you.

Day 129

It was the best of days, it was the worst of days...

No seriously, it was.

We were up and out of the house by 8am.  Sadly this was about fifteen minutes behind schedule.  We darted off to Newton for a casting for the kids, which we waited for about 45 minutes to have their pictures taken. 

After that we rushed to my mom's house so I could pick up her camera to borrow for the day.  We then dashed to my house so I could pick up a few things that I forgot, and headed right back out to my friend's house.

We had a great time at my friend's having lunch and getting pumped up to see Toy Story on Ice.  We then left and had a BALL at Toy Story.  I can not express enough gratitude to my friend for taking us all to see it.  It was so much fun watching all of our kids interact, and it is always great to see their moms and have adult conversation.

By the time we got home it was almost dinner time, and I had to make a grocery store run.  I made my list and headed out, only to get a very upsetting phone call on the way home.  Because of the personal and upsetting nature of the call, I am choosing not to discuss the nature of the call here, but I will say, it left me shaking, sobbing and with my heart beating out of my chest.  I ran into the house to talk to Nathan for about 3 seconds, before going as fast as I possibly could to attend to the matter.

When I returned home it was about seven, and thankfully Nathan had fed the kids for me.  I snuggled the kids up with their pillows and blankets and put on a movie for them.  Brody and Keira ended up wanting to sit on the couch with me and we all passed out by eight.

I woke up at 11:30 to strange classical music, that sounded far away and kind of static-y.  I searched and searched for it's mystery source to no avail.

I gave up out of frustration (and maybe a bit because of the creepy factor) and went to bed.

(The mystery was solved this morning... one of the boy's headphone walkie talkies had been left on and somehow picked up a classical music signal.  Super strange and random.)

The kids keeping themselves entertained during our 45 minute wait at the casting.

Day 128

Today was not extraordinary.  It was quite quiet to be honest.  We hit the gym, came home, cleaned, relaxed a bit, snuggled a bit, played a bit.  We did a lot of bits.
We are gearing up for a busy day of an early morning audition-ish thing for the kids, off to meet friends for lunch and go see Toy Story 3 on ice.  (This has been what we have been looking forward to all week.)

 Nate raiding my fridge.  Yes I know the door is a bit disorganized right now.  Don't hate.

 A photo by Tyler.  He said I looked mad.  I  think I look preoccupied.

 Keira being Keira.

She was super cuddly and cute.  I love having a girl.  Can you tell?

My agency contacted me asking me to submit a bathing suit picture for the role of a ring card girl for the new Kevin James film, "Here Comes The Boom."  I was super hesitant, and worried, and totally against submitting anything.  It made me raid my drawers for bathing suits and look at myself and analyze my body in front of a mirror.  Totally normal, and not at all crazy, right? 

Okay, so I am holding my breath posting this, but I thought in the sense of keeping it real, I would go ahead and post it.  It was taken from farther away, and I know it is sort of blurry.  It is motivation for me to kick it up a notch for beach season.

Day 107

WHAT

A

DAY


My head is spinning thinking about day 106.

It started out okay.  It really did.  It started out with potential.  I knew it was going to be busy, but I thought, "hey, I can manage this"

I was so wrong.

It honestly takes a whole heap of factors to get me as stressed out as I was by the end of the day.  Yesterday ended up being a perfect storm.

The morning was great, relaxing even.  We casually cleaned the house.  I fed the kids.  We had a big audition/on camera interview, so we got ready, and headed into Boston.  Everything went well  (I am not at liberty to say what it was for on here just yet.)

We headed out to run a few errands and then we got stuck in horrendous traffic.  Think, tripled our normal time home traffic.

It screwed me.

Royally.

The rest of the day was a blur of ridiculous odds and circumstances that set me back and made the things I had to do pretty much impossible.  Which is frustrating for me, because I like things to go my way.

The day reared it's ugly head later, and at that point I threw in the towel.

I have learned it is better to just wave the flag sometimes.

New Headshots!

Earlier this month I had the privilege of having a session with Jessica Nyiredi to get some new headshots.  Jessica has taken photos of my kids before, and truly does exceptional work.

I am happy to show you the ones I have narrowed it down to.  I will pick one shot to be my "main" shot, that I have printed with my name to bring to castings, etc.  I would love your opinion!

I wanted these shots to be a blank slate.  Minimal makeup.
Anyway, opinions are greatly appreciated.  Thank you!!!!

(And thank you to Jessica who is just brilliant, plain and simple.

Day 83~Sneak Peek

Today I had an amazing session with the very talented Jessica to get my headshots done.  She sent me this preview shot.  I am anxiously looking forward to seeing the rest of them, and will gladly share them with you.

After my headshot session, I rushed off to Ty's basketball game where as Ty said they "smoked" the other team, winning 49-25.  Ty scored eight baskets, and had a great overall game.

Today, day 83, was a good one.

Days 60, 61, 62, and 63

I haven't posted.

It's been a rough, looking inward, shutting myself off from the world past few days.

I went with the skirt outfit ultimately because I felt more comfortable in that.  I will start by telling you that.

I went to my audition and felt prepared and ready to nail it.

There were two girls who went in to read before me.  Then, the casting director came out, got me, and walked me into the room.  She said, two steps prior to entering "so we're not going to have you read for Jenny or Jill, you are going to read for Stacy."

TWO STEPS PRIOR TO ENTERING.

"Ohhhhhh, uhhhh okay"

That was all I could muster.  My head was spinning.  Eight whole pages memorized at meticulously gone through.  Inflections questioned on every word.  Expressions rehearsed in the mirror.  Gone.  Out the window.

I was disappointed to say the least.

The next twelve minutes were a blur.  I stood up, did my slate (stating my name and union affiliation), the panned down with the camera to see my body on film, I sat, was introduced to the seven people in the room, the director gave me some backround on the scene, and the script reader guy asked me if I was ready and that was it.

I know I did okay.

I also know If I had been as prepared as I was for those other two roles, I would have been great.

When I was done, I stood up and took one last shot and asked "Soooo, no Jill?"

"Nope, you did great!"

I left feeling defeated and annoyed and upset.

I definitely worked this up in my head.  I wanted to beg them to let me read the other part and throw whatever they had in their heads about what Jill looked like out the window.

I pushed it out of my mind and told myself I had no control over these things.

We've been busy with holiday events and basketball games and shopping and crafting, so I have been busy, but Saturday night my mom took me to see The Fighter.

If you remember, this was the big movie I auditioned for a year and a half ago.  This was the movie I read for numerous times, and made it to the final cut for.  There were twelve of us left, only six were cast as the sisters of Micky Ward and Dicky Eckland.

I told my mom I wasn't sure how exactly I would handle seeing this movie, that happens to have snagged six Golden Globe Awards and is talked about in so many categories for Academy Awards.  These what ifs stay with me folks.  The what if of if I had said this line instead of the other one (a lot of that audition was improve during a fight scene), the what if of where my life would be right now if I had gotten that role, the what if of dressing worse to look uglier in the audition (remember how insecure I was about going in with no makeup on?).

There are very few professions in this world where you have to look so into yourself.  I am constantly being told how great of an actress I am, but I just don't look like this or that, or I am too tall, short, thin or fat, or lately too pretty (I know wah wah wah right?)
But these things can get to you.  The creep under your skin.  A skin that has to be tough.

Anyway, I have taken these few days to reflect.  I have taken them to submerge myself in preparing for Christmas and taking my mind off things, which is very hard for me to do.

I have decided that when I finally get that break, it will be perfect and wonderful and I will be so thankful that that one was the first one.  Until then, I just have to let go and trust the powers that be.

Day 59

Woo to the hoo!!!

(Oh my gaaawwwsh, I just cringed at myself.)

My impatience has given way to raving mad anxiety.

Seriously.  I almost hyperventilated and threw up when I was talking to my mom today.

I got the email I have been waiting for, asking me to come in and read for the director on Thursday!  AMAZING!  Here's the catch, and it is a big one, it is for the role of the "dancer" I told you about.  I am keeping my fingers crossed that I can just bat my eyes (does anyone really do that?) and say pretty please, and maybe they'll forget all about this "dancer" role and let me read for the other one I want.

I'm hoping.

And praying.

But just in case I am memorizing the "dancer" (are you as sick of seeing that word as me yet?) scene as well, and being at my all time preparedness.  (Side note, I waited to see if preparedness was even a word when I typed it.  I thought for sure spell check would be underlining that one.)

I woke up at 545am to go running today.  I am still full of energy (or maybe anxious nerves) propelling me forward.  It was strange and kind of fun running that early.  I did get tired about halfway through today, but told myself if I wanted to be fit and look good, I must push through.

That lasted all of two minutes before I took a thirty second break to walk.

But I did it, and am looking forward to creating a routine of early morning running.  It feels nice to have completed it, and it definitely has a huge impact on my food choices for the day.

Now I am off to study and memorize and get into a "dancer" (sorry I had to just one more time) mentality.

Oh and if I get said "dancer" role, none of you will ever be allowed to see it.  Especially you Dad.

Day 58

It's early, I know.

I have part of "Lose Yourself" by Eminem running on replay in my head.

"Knees weak, palms are sweaty..."

That is how I feel.  I feel anxious, and overly obsessive.  Every time my phone beeps, alerting me to a new email, I jump thinking it is the email.  The one I have been waiting for.

I spent last night looking on websites to get ideas for an audition outfit.  (Let me remind you I haven't the faintest idea of what this character looks like, other than she's in her mid thirties.  This is me pointing my finger back at myself... Hellllllooooooo crazy lady!)

My brother in law's girlfriend, Kim is coming over for lunch today.  I asked her to read lines with me.

I may need an intervention soon.

Day 57

It is a rainy, windy day here.  I woke up mid dream early, early this morning.  I was dreaming that I was at my big audition and I just shook hands with the director (who I didn't know would be there) and stood on my mark.  They turned these bright lights on  and said action.  That is when I woke up, anxiety ridden, going over the lines in my head over and over until the sun came up and the kids woke up.
I guess you could say I am eat, sleep, breathing this opportunity.
I don't know how to verbalize why this is different.  Part of it is because I love the little I have read, but I can also visualize this one.  I know this girl, and I can see the scene spread out in my mind.

I know everything happens for a reason, and if this role is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, it will surely be a learning experience.  But I am pretty sure that learning experience will come with quite a few tears of frustration shed by me.

I was grateful to have Nathan home this morning (which he never is.)  Even though it was pouring out, I got a great run in.  I ran surprisingly fast considering I thought the weather would slow me down.  I am so grateful for that half hour of running.  It gives me time to reflect and dig deep into my soul.
Today during my run, when I was soaked to the bone and getting a bit tired, I pushed on, and while doing so I thought a lot about determining my own destiny. I have talked a lot about my inner battle with procrastination and with making excuses for things.  And most recently talked about my silly fears of putting myself out there.  I feel like for the first time, in a long time, I am really holding the reins and steering my life in the direction I want.
For ten years I have put this part of myself, the actress, the dreamer, the determined to make this career work girl on the backburner, so I could grow and raise these beautiful four babies, and now, here this girl is, and she is more determined than ever, with such a fighting spirit that it is actually shocking.  This inner force inside of me seems to be screaming , fighting to escape from every pore of my body, and seems to have only grown stronger in the past ten years.

And I think during my run today, I finally figured out why.

It is not only screaming and fighting for me, but it is for my children as well.  It is pushing, to show them what not only I, but what they can accomplish in their lives as well.  It is yearning to teach them perseverance and to go after their dreams, no matter what.

I want this as much for them, as I do for my own fulfillment.
I want them to know they can do anything they want, no matter how far off that dream seems.

Are you listening Ty, Nate, Brody and Keira?

You can do anything you want!!!  You can be whoever you want to be.  Your destiny is in your hands.  You need to fight for what you want out of this life, and never give up.  I believe in you.  I am each of your biggest fans, and I will do everything in my power to help you achieve every single one of your goals, but ultimately is is your drive and your future.  I can only take you so far, the rest is up to you.  I know you will each be great, because you already are.  You are each so unique and special, with the biggest hearts.  Always follow your dreams, and know my heart will be swelling with pride no matter what, because I love you.

"It is choice - not chance- that determines your destiny"
Jean Nidetch

Day 55

Oh today, day 55, was a milestone day for me.  Today I grabbed the bull by the horns, made my own luck, grabbed life by the balls, however you want to say it, I did it.


I have always had this irrational fear of the unknown, of asking for what I want, or putting myself out there, when I may look silly.  Maybe it's not a fear that only I have?  Maybe some of you (I hope!) share this same fear.

My mom always tells me, what is the worst that can happen?  You're told no.  Then at least you tried.

And that makes sense, that is what I will tell my children when they are faced with these kind of decisions, but telling myself that, and practicing what I intend to preach, well that is a horse of a different color. (side note- I am just full of these analogies tonight, huh?) 

I was sent a side (a part of a script focusing on one character, used to audition with) to read for a movie filming next month, a movie that I loved as soon as I started reading.  This was for a "dancer" please don't make me spell that one out for you, it was interesting, and I knew I could do a great job with it.  However, when I started reading some of the other sides, trying to gain a better feel for the movie, I was stopped dead in my tracks because I absolutely clicked with a different character.  I can't explain why, there was nothing spectacular or different, but yet to me, there was something. 

I read her lines aloud, intsead of in my head, a first clue that it was something special to me.

But how do you ask to read for a role?  It seemed unprofessional to me, and awkward.  It's not like I'm calling Stephanie Meyers and saying "hey, I really think I would make a great vampire.  I'm thinking I should have a chance to audition for a Denali Clan vamp."

I would be looked at like I was crazy.  I would probably be put on some stalker list and would never even get let into the theaters to see Breaking Dawn.

Yet here I was today, desperate for a chance to read for this role and no one asking me to.

So I sucked up my pride, and I called my agency.  I sounded ridiculous and spilled my guts about how badly I wanted this role.  I believe I said I could "nail it, knock it out of the park".

I went for it.

And do you know what came out of it??

An audition.

I faced my fears and now I will have a chance to read for a role I want more than I can say.

Thank you day 55 for teaching me to overcome my fears.

Thank you to the angles on my shoulders helping me through this one... please don't leave me yet!  I'll need all the help I can get to wow all the big wigs ;)

Day 46 ~ Who Am I?

Do you remember when I was in the running for a to die for role in The Fighter? As one of Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale's sisters?

I daringly (in my opinion at least) posted a photo of how I was asked to go to one of the callbacks in a post you can see here.

The Fighter is now being talked about as a heavy Oscar contender. Watch the trailer here. The scene I auditioned with so many times, and that I still have memorized is briefly in the trailer around the 1:56 mark (it is his sisters on the porch of his girlfriend's house, fighting her.)

Part of me is mad at myself for not fighting harder for the role. The me now would have done things a bit differently. I know I had just had a baby, and was feeling insecure with my body, which in turn makes me less confidant. But what it comes down to, is I do not think it was meant to be for me, at that time.

I have spoken a little (I think?) about my recent surge of auditions that have come my way. I made the decision to put myself back into the business full force starting in 2011, but things just keep coming my way. The thing is, each time I have not sought out these opportunities, they are seemingly falling on my lap. I am taking it as fate preparing me for what is to come. What can I say, it is the optimist in me.

Last night I got a message from my casting agency to see if I could come in for an audition today. It was described as "hip, cool, sexy EDGY, Angelina Jolie type." I gathered advice from friends and finally decided on an outfit. I went into the audition mentally prepared.
When I arrived the owner of the agency waved excitedly and told me she was so happy to see me. I actually looked behind me to see if it was me she was talking to. It was.
I immediately felt a rush of excitement that this woman, who casts literally everything that comes to Boston, every big movie, knows me. She was excited to see me.
Now she did not think I was "a right fit" for this role, because the person was as she described "goth, dark and a DJ". BUT (and this is a big but) she pulled me aside and told me how much she loved me. Repeatedly. She told me that she was determined to get me in and get me some good work. Some good roles.

Honestly, I have never walked out of a casting, knowing I did not get the job, and yet felt so very good.

So, because I posted photos of how horrible I had to look at one of my callbacks for The Fighter, here are a couple of shots from today. Just for the fun of it. And I have no idea what in the world I am doing with my mouth in any of them. It looks weird. Sorry for that.

It is a funny thing to have people tell you you are not a certain "type" and can't see you in a role. I have learned over the past few weeks, so of the types I am not include a meek, mousy nanny, a goth dark DJ, an infomercial host, and an avid coffee drinker.

It makes me wonder what type I am. What will be that role that my casting director looks at me and says "it's you."

Lots to ponder people. I won't bore you with my deep reflection into this, because... well I'm sure you don't really care all that much.

Day 46, way to keep it exciting!

Day 21 and Day 22

This is a smushed together kind of post. I had yet to write Day 21, and then today happened, and I can't even remember Day 21.

Funny how those things happen.

There I was on Day 21 all bent out of shape because the worst thing going on in Nicole world was, (as the trend seems to go every year, so it shouldn't have really surprised me) that I had almost no rsvp-ers to Brody's party next weekend. It is a beyond major pet peeve of mine, because I hate tracking people down. It's not even an issue of coming or not, just puh-leeeease let me know so I can plan. (That ends my rant.)

That was yesterday.

Today is today.

Today started off nice. My kids surprisingly slept until 7am, which is actually 8am, so I count that as sleeping in.

I had an audition early this morning, so I dropped the kids off at my mom's.

Audition went well, although I am not holding my breath.

We spent the rest of the day at my mom's, because my family was celebrating two of my aunt's birthdays this evening. It made more sense to stay and hang out, than to drive back and forth all day.

We had fun today. We went about our day, spending it with family and having fun.

Unfortunately I received an upsetting phone call mid gift opening that changed everything.

How does one prepare for bad news? We have been somewhat prepared and have been prepping the kids as best as we could, but it seemed tonight that we all broke in some way or another. How does one properly say goodbye to another human?

I have dealt with death before. I have dealt with the death of very close loved ones. Is it harder because I am dealing with this as well as helping my children cope? And being a support system for Nathan?

It is hard to feel so many different emotions all at once, and to want to grieve as well as be a comfort.

So that is where I am tonight.

I should add, I made an emergency grocery store trip to pick up a few essentials to get us through the week. I did this after quite a bit of crying. I had to ask Ty if I looked sane enough to even enter the grocery store.

When we all got home tonight I helped the kids write letters to express their sadness. They also drew pictures.

I can not express enough how great of an impact this has had on my life, as well as my outlook in general.

Again, when I am ready, and when it is appropriate, I will speak more about this.

Keira's First Job

Yesterday was a busy, long, but very exciting day. Keira and I booked our first job together for the box of the new doll Baby Alive by Hasbro. This doll is marketed towards baby girls around Keira's age. (Expect it in stores near Christmas time.) Keira was dressed in a combo of H & M, Carters and Ralph Lauren. I didn't get a chance to see what I was dressed in, but it was a pink v-neck tee and pale blue cardigan with a deep v-neck. (Not anything I would ever pick out to wear.) Keira sat in my lap in the makeup chair and she watched the women (I had two working on me) with so much intensity. Keira didn't need any makeup. We were brought over to a fake living room set and sat in a big armchair. Someone handed me the doll and I was taught the proper way to hold the doll, the position the doll needed to be in, and what "shot" they were looking for. While I was being told this I was listening to Tyra Banks scream in my head and tell me to make sure I was smeyezing. (I'm only partly joking here as I did make sure to bring nude underwear, just in case.) The next few minutes were a blur of people adjusting our clothes and touching up makeup and fixing hair and adjusting our fingers and switching out the brown haired doll for the blond haired doll, and this whole time Keira was giving the doll hugs and kisses and pointing out it's eyes and saying "love you baby." Fifteen minutes later and we took a break, so the photographer could look at her film and so Keira could have a break from the doll so she didn't get bored with it. We walked around a bit and talked to people, and then photographer came running up saying Keira nailed it. She said we didn't have to shoot anymore because they got the perfect shots they were looking for. The rep from Hasbro came and told us Keira was a rockstar and high fived her. Apparently Keira shot for only 15 minutes and got more than enough to choose from. Go Keira! We were done in less than an hour. When I was getting changed into my clothes I realized someone had put drop pearl earrings in my ears. Funny when you don't remember something like that.I am so glad Keira and I got to have this moment together. Thank you to Angela and everyone on set for being so kind to us and for making Keira feel so comfortable. I truly think it was your warmth that brought out the best in Keira and made it possible for her to be so happy.
I got out so early that I was able to pick up Nate and bring him to his job for a voiceover. I got Nate and then got stuck in two hours of traffic. Not fun. We made it, twenty minutes late, but we made in nonetheless. Now I have never done voiceover work, so this was new for me too. It was so cool. Everything about it was cool. Even the studio name was cool. There was a great kid friendly spread of bananas, juice boxes, water, animal crackers, etc. Keira and I hung out with one of the owners who is from Switzerland and has two little boys. Her husband took Nate to the studio where he recorded sports sounds like "Go" and "Homerun" and "Goal". They were not allowed to say what the actual job is for, but for the ten minutes he was in there, and the amount he got paid for those ten minutes, that is quite alright with me!
It thankfully only took an hour to get home, and traffic seemed to be a little bit kinder to us. It did not stop me though, while stuck in the tunnel to roll down all of the windows and air out Keira's screaming cries of get-me-out-of-this-car-now in hopes that people may pull aside and let us go though. It didn't work.
All in all it was a fun day. I am so grateful for the opportunities my kids were given, and am glad they had fun. Thanks for all of your support!

Excitement in the Clan

As most of you know, I was a born actress. Eat, sleep, cry, bleed, live acting. Since my professional career (despite a brief week of excitement) is on a foreseeable hiatus, I naturally find that the environment if confidence boosting and fun for my children. This does not mean I force them into this business. In fact, I feel it's the opposite. I expose them to something interesting and if they don't like it, cool we're done. It was fun while it lasted. I did work while pregnant with Ty, and went on a few audition with him when he was younger. Nate has done work for Hasbro (Helmet Heroes toy to be exact) and Brody was signed to an agency in Boston at 6 months old and has gone on more calls than I can begin to count. Now before you whip out the judging thoughts, here is my stand point. If they're not into it, we're out. I have left auditions before because Brody was just not in the mood. Oh well, it happens, I'm not forcing him to do anything he doesn't want to do. My other (and main reason) is future, future, future. College is only getting more expensive every year, and if I can give my kids a leg up, and a decent savings account to start out with, well by golly I'll do it. I'm not forcing them into child labor or anything. They go somewhere, play with a cool toy that's not out yet, have people fuss over them and do everything in their power to get them to smile and laugh (I could write a whole post about baby wranglers alone) and it is a very pleasant experience. With that said, I have debated doing this with Keira for a long time, since I knew I was pregnant really.
Why, when I have just explained how great I think it is did I question it? Well, it is time consuming. A lot of auditions you only have a couple of days notice. There have been times we have been called the night before. There can be traveling, and you are not guaranteed a job.
My decision finally came after updating Brody's pictures last week. I figure if I am going to be making the casting call rounds with him, and Keira will be in tow anyway, why not get her involved as well. The only change I made, was signing her to a different agency. This has nothing to do with Brody's agency. I love them, and have had nothing but good experiences with them. The agency I signed Keira to does a bit more film and commercial work, rather than a print based clientele. They also do some international work.
After over a year of debate, I am so happy with my decision. Keira has an appointment for pictures this weekend. Once those are in, it is a waiting game. I hope you join me in wishing her well on this new adventure.