It is a rainy, windy day here. I woke up mid dream early, early this morning. I was dreaming that I was at my big audition and I just shook hands with the director (who I didn't know would be there) and stood on my mark. They turned these bright lights on and said action. That is when I woke up, anxiety ridden, going over the lines in my head over and over until the sun came up and the kids woke up.
I guess you could say I am eat, sleep, breathing this opportunity.
I don't know how to verbalize why this is different. Part of it is because I love the little I have read, but I can also visualize this one. I know this girl, and I can see the scene spread out in my mind.
I know everything happens for a reason, and if this role is meant to be, it will be, and if it is not, it will surely be a learning experience. But I am pretty sure that learning experience will come with quite a few tears of frustration shed by me.
I was grateful to have Nathan home this morning (which he never is.) Even though it was pouring out, I got a great run in. I ran surprisingly fast considering I thought the weather would slow me down. I am so grateful for that half hour of running. It gives me time to reflect and dig deep into my soul.
Today during my run, when I was soaked to the bone and getting a bit tired, I pushed on, and while doing so I thought a lot about determining my own destiny. I have talked a lot about my inner battle with procrastination and with making excuses for things. And most recently talked about my silly fears of putting myself out there. I feel like for the first time, in a long time, I am really holding the reins and steering my life in the direction I want.
For ten years I have put this part of myself, the actress, the dreamer, the determined to make this career work girl on the backburner, so I could grow and raise these beautiful four babies, and now, here this girl is, and she is more determined than ever, with such a fighting spirit that it is actually shocking. This inner force inside of me seems to be screaming , fighting to escape from every pore of my body, and seems to have only grown stronger in the past ten years.
And I think during my run today, I finally figured out why.
It is not only screaming and fighting for me, but it is for my children as well. It is pushing, to show them what not only I, but what they can accomplish in their lives as well. It is yearning to teach them perseverance and to go after their dreams, no matter what.
I want this as much for them, as I do for my own fulfillment.
I want them to know they can do anything they want, no matter how far off that dream seems.
Are you listening Ty, Nate, Brody and Keira?
You can do anything you want!!! You can be whoever you want to be. Your destiny is in your hands. You need to fight for what you want out of this life, and never give up. I believe in you. I am each of your biggest fans, and I will do everything in my power to help you achieve every single one of your goals, but ultimately is is your drive and your future. I can only take you so far, the rest is up to you. I know you will each be great, because you already are. You are each so unique and special, with the biggest hearts. Always follow your dreams, and know my heart will be swelling with pride no matter what, because I love you.
"It is choice - not chance- that determines your destiny"
Jean Nidetch
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