More Photos

I mentioned in my last post that I had a photo shoot this past Sunday.  The photos are beginning to trickle in, and I could not be happier!

Here are a few to show you.


We went with a theme of recreating some wonderful older Hollywood pics, but making them modern and then just kind of going with the theme.  Example:  This Audrey Hepburn photo, and our recreation of it.

 

Here are two more.  It was such a fun shoot.  I can't wait to share more as they come in.

Days 173 and 174 ~ Weekend Wrap Up with PHOTOS!

This weekend was amazing.  The weather was gorgeous, and a true blessing.

Saturday, everything fell into place to make Keira's second birthday party an absolute joy.

Sunday, I spent the morning doing a really cool photo shoot.  I can not wait to share those photos, but I do have the awesome memories of Keira's party to share with you.

Thank you to all that came out to celebrate the birth of my little girl.  It means so much to me.

Dear Keira On Your Second Birthday

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl!

Keira, I sit here and am honestly blown away that two years have gone by so quickly.  It seems like yesterday when you made your way into this world.  You were a perfect baby.  And it equally seems like yesterday when I was celebrating your first birthday, and wondering how that first year slipped by in fast forward.  Now you are two.  I feel like if I go to sleep, I may wake up and find you are 18.

In the past year you have grown from my precious, sweet baby into a cherished, fun, wonderful little girl.  You have mastered walking and running and climbing and jumping, dancing and singing and talking, and even scolding your brothers when you think they have done something wrong.  (That is probably a trait they wish you did not do just yet, or ever.)

You want to do everything your brothers can do.  If they are playing baseball, or basketball, you need to play too, only you want to do it in your princess shoes, carrying your purse, and holding your baby.  I love watching the way your brothers play so carefully with you.  They cheer you on and clap for you.  It makes my heart fill with joy to watch these interactions.

Your personality has come into full force this past year.  You are loving, and caring.  When one of your brothers gets hurt, you gently rub their back or face and ask if they are okay.  You wake up  and go to bed making sure you hug and kiss each member of our family, including the Bella and Liberty.
You are funny.  You like to do silly dances when you are happy, wiggling your bum and laughing.  You make silly faces and change your voice.  You like to have an audience.
You are empathetic.  If you see someone sad, you immediately feel sad, and tell me in a sad voice that the other person is upset.  You get particularly upset if you see a photo of you crying from when you were a baby.  You tell me stories about why you were sad, and they are always different and extravagant.  Those make me giggle.
You are curious and daring.  You want to try everything for yourself, and want to conquer whatever the task may be.  You are not afraid to do something new.  You have a determined spirit that wants to see every task through, always finishing what you started.
Keira, at two years old, you love to color.  You could color for hours.  You love to read books.  Princess or horse themed books are your favorite, but you are happy with any book.  You love to snuggle up under a blanket with a good book.  I look forward to someday relaxing on a beach with you, reading books together.  You absolutely must have your nails painted at all times.  If your nails are bare, you will run up to me exclaiming "uh-oh!!" and then you will run, grab some nail polish and force me to stop what I am doing and paint them.  Then you blow on your nails and wave your hands in the air.  (I told you that you are funny.)  And lately, thank the lord, you are in love with having your hair played with and braided and brushed.

You are still a little peanut.  Sometimes your dad and I wonder about how tall you will be.  You will undoubtedly have towering older brothers (much to your dad's delight), but we think you will remain our teeny tiny girl.  Only time will tell, right?

Speaking of your dad, oh Keira, to see you with him is just about the best thing in the world.  You love your dad more than anything.  And in return, you are the twinkle in his eye. 

Keira I could go on and on about you.  You are my baby girl, and always will be.  You are the princess in the family.  I can not imagine what our lives would be like without you.  You add such a wonderful dynamic to our family.  You have so many people who love you so very much.
I am pretty emotional about you turning two.  I get sad that you are growing up.  I know that this next year you will grow and mature even more.  I love the little person that you are, and are ever becoming.  I am so excited and honored to see you grow and experience and live your life.  I am so thankful I am your mother.  You are truly a gift to this world, Keira.

I love you more than words could ever say, Keira.  I hope you have a very happy second birthday.

Love,
Mommy

Days 169-172

The week has flown by.

Bye week!  I don't remember any of our conversations because you came in and then left so quickly!!!

I was officially offered the management position for the Ghost Tour job.  I am taking it.

If you have read my posts recently, you will absolutely see my internal war within about jumping back into the workforce.  I call it an internal war.  Others may call it bipolar.  Whatever.

I took my drug test (which although I am absolutely positive, there is some odd anxiety -add that to bipolar in my list of issues- that somehow someone slipped me some drug and I didn't know, and the test will come back and I will have to say, "I have no idea how that was in my system!" and I will cry and no one will believe me.)

That is what goes on in my head.  As you know by now, I am not exaggerating, these are conversations I actually have in my head.  With myself.  I am lucky if a few sentences don't slip out loud.  Then I just look like the crazy lady talking to herself down the street.

This week was spent getting things ready for Keira's second birthday party (I haven't talked about it because it makes me sad that she is turning two.), helping my friend move, running all over creations for God knows what, and spending an obscene amount of time in my car, or getting in and out of my car.

On the plus side, I made it to the gym a couple of times this week, and I weighed myself for the first time since I started the slow card life.  I was down 11 pounds in a week and a half.  That certainly made for a very happy me.  Giving up all that bread and pasta is worth it, and I do really feel a thousand times better.

I will hold off talking about Brody's speech evaluation today, because I want a complete picture first.  Basically the same stuff was said, only this time he was actually classified as having a moderate to severe speech impediment.

I feel sad about that classification, but I know how smart Brody is, and I know this won't last forever.  He will get better, slowly but surely.

That is where my mentality is right now at least.

And on that note, no pictures today, but lots to come!

Days 166, 167, and 168 ~ Weekend Wrap Up

I am coming to grips with the fact that weekend will more than likely never be calm, or what I perceive to be relaxing for a very long time.  That is not to say they can't be fun.

Saturday we got a lot done.  Nathan prompted me to finally tackle my car and we took all of the seats out and vacuumed and washed and scrubbed.  It was long overdue.  I was hesitant to tackle the project.  Okay, I felt like my kids when they are told they have to do a chore they don't want to do.  Eventually I caved and just did it though, and of course I am very happy that I did.

We have been doing lots of purging and tidying, and that is always good for my mental health.

It is sad to donate baby items, things that were so loved and well used by my children, but there is also a sense of moving on.  I've said it before, and I'll say it again, baby stuff just takes up so much room!!!

Sunday we celebrated my mom's birthday.  I had fun making her a cake I was dying to make for a while.

As I touched upon in my last post, I have been at war, internally with jumping back into the workforce, and being available for my children at all times.  It is an emotional time for me.  It may sound silly, but it is difficult for me to process.  My constantly building anxiety issues don;t help, and unfortunately I don't think anti-anxiety meds will be beneficial as an actor, so that is not an option.

I was offered a management position for the Ghost tour company, which is something I feel like I can't really give up.  A second income in a family of six, is huge to say the least.  I think what it comes down to is I need to try it out, and if it is too overwhelming, or isn't financially worth the time away from the kids, then I have Nathan's support and backing to step away from it.

I feel like that is fair.  This may be good for my (again ever growing) perfectionist, my way is the right way train of thought.  I know Nathan will totally make it work and do great alone with the kids, running from practice to practice, doing homework, getting dinner together, baths, bedtime routines etc.  Although his way will definitely be different than my way, different isn't bad.  Those few nights a week I get to do those things will mean even more than they do now, to me.

Again, I am fully aware that these irrational fears about doing this are just that, totally irrational.  I know it will be so good for me to get out and to have fun at my job, and to do something I love, acting.

And on that note...

This weekend Nathan and Keira went on a special little date.  They came back with the movie Tangled.  We have watched it approximately 5,792 times since Sunday night.  This is probably because it is a princess movie and it has a horse in it, and singing.  Basically that is Keira's idea of heaven.

Weekend Wrap Up Photos:

 Keira not blinking or moving while watching Tangled for the first time.

 Take one, photo with mom and Ty on mom's bday.

 Take two, birthday photo with mom and Ty

Possibly my favorite of Keira playing music for us.

I wish you could have seen her outfit she chose for the day in full force.  She had her nice necklace from Italy, a flowered dress, those leg warmer, a white fur coat, a pink purse, her ballet shoes and her hair in two french braids like Rapunzel.

Days 163, 164, and 165

I knew this time of year was coming.  Maybe I didn't want to admit to myself yet.
It is the crazy, busy, chaotic, I don't know if we're coming or going feeling.  Sometimes it feels like we're all on a ride that has spun out of control.

The winter is a lull as far as activities go.  Sure we are still relatively busy, because we are constantly balancing 6 individual schedules, but now that April is here, we are in full blown losing our minds mode for the next three months.

This week has been an extra busy one with a producer coming to our house, a big audition, school events,  Brody's evaluation meeting (which I am not yet ready to talk about), and other personal things going on.

Also, on Wednesday, Sharon's mother passed away.

It seems the universe has been taking the last few days of March to prep me for what lies ahead.  In truth I probably need the prep.

Late last night I couldn't sleep.  I had received emails regarding Ty's baseball schedule, and much to my surprise his season starts Sunday.
I recently audition for something in which I could potentially work 4-5 evenings/nights per week.  When I got Ty's schedule my head started spinning.  I instantly knew this job, which I had already built up in my head, was now just not going to be possible for me.

Well I shouldn't say that.  Of course it is possible.  I just have such a strong emotion attached to being there for my children, for everything.
I have never missed one of Ty's sports events.
I was getting anxious when I only had Ty's baseball schedule, and I knew Nate's baseball schedule was coming soon too.

Here is where my guilt and anxiety really builds; as I said, I have never missed anything of Ty's, and I certainly want to be that same consistent observer/supporter/encourager for Nate too!  And when it is time, for Brody, and Keira.
I guess it hit me, that at some point I may not be able to be at something and that just kills me.  So this job, which could take me away from this precious, fleeting time I have with my kids who are growing so incredibly fast, suddenly didn't seem worth it.
That internal give and take was hard for me last night.  Trying to find a balance between myself, and my dreams, and my children, and how present I am in each aspect of their lives.

For me, listening to them retell the story about the game winning home run just isn't enough.  I want to be there jumping up and down, cheering them on, or at times, comforting them when the game didn't go their way. 
I know plenty of parents miss things, and I know it is okay if I do from time to time, but for me, it is too unsettling.  I'm not ready.

I cried talking to Nathan, who was incredibly supportive, and never judged me for these feelings, or made me feel like a job and the extra money was more important than my feelings. 

I know I was being emotional, and it was probably in part because I hadn't slept in two nights, and once again was up in the middle of the night.  I know it had to do with the helpless feeling that came out of Brody's evaluation meeting.  It was a meeting that was completely going in Brody's favor, until a random statement made by a substitute therapist in her ONE HOUR time span she has spent with Brody (an observation not one of his parents, or any of the other people evaluation Brody noted) that changed the course of the anticipated amendment to his current IEP drastically.  I stated my case, but once again, I felt like I was back in the office for his hearing test, when the audiologist flat out old me I shouldn't have brought him back, looked in his ears, told me they were fine, but once the tests were administered, apologized and said he in fact could barely hear. 
I know there are some parents who, rightly so, think the worst and want as much as they can for their child, even when it may not be necessary, because they love their child, and will always worry.  I just wish I didn't have to constantly prove to certain people that I know what I am talking about.  You would think raising four children should count for something.  When my child tells me he can't hear something, that should be a red flag, when he is not progressing at the speed he should, that should be a red flag.

Again last night, I jumped from being there for my kids, to what is going on with Brody, finally, allowing myself to just break down in frustration.  I want the very best for my children, because I know they deserve the world.  I don't ever want anything to hold Brody back.  He is so funny, and smart, and witty, and most people don't know that because they can't understand him.  What makes my heart break, is that he is smart enough to know they don't understand him.  It frustrates him and makes him upset, and those frustrations come out in many different ways.

I am turning to our pediatrician now, to help me navigate this world of second opinions and advocates.  I know it is going to be a bumpy, emotional road.

I think that is all I can write about right now.



And on that note...