It is the crazy, busy, chaotic, I don't know if we're coming or going feeling. Sometimes it feels like we're all on a ride that has spun out of control.
The winter is a lull as far as activities go. Sure we are still relatively busy, because we are constantly balancing 6 individual schedules, but now that April is here, we are in full blown losing our minds mode for the next three months.
This week has been an extra busy one with a producer coming to our house, a big audition, school events, Brody's evaluation meeting (which I am not yet ready to talk about), and other personal things going on.
Also, on Wednesday, Sharon's mother passed away.
It seems the universe has been taking the last few days of March to prep me for what lies ahead. In truth I probably need the prep.
Late last night I couldn't sleep. I had received emails regarding Ty's baseball schedule, and much to my surprise his season starts Sunday.
I recently audition for something in which I could potentially work 4-5 evenings/nights per week. When I got Ty's schedule my head started spinning. I instantly knew this job, which I had already built up in my head, was now just not going to be possible for me.
Well I shouldn't say that. Of course it is possible. I just have such a strong emotion attached to being there for my children, for everything.
I have never missed one of Ty's sports events.
I was getting anxious when I only had Ty's baseball schedule, and I knew Nate's baseball schedule was coming soon too.
Here is where my guilt and anxiety really builds; as I said, I have never missed anything of Ty's, and I certainly want to be that same consistent observer/supporter/encourager for Nate too! And when it is time, for Brody, and Keira.
I guess it hit me, that at some point I may not be able to be at something and that just kills me. So this job, which could take me away from this precious, fleeting time I have with my kids who are growing so incredibly fast, suddenly didn't seem worth it.
That internal give and take was hard for me last night. Trying to find a balance between myself, and my dreams, and my children, and how present I am in each aspect of their lives.
For me, listening to them retell the story about the game winning home run just isn't enough. I want to be there jumping up and down, cheering them on, or at times, comforting them when the game didn't go their way.
I know plenty of parents miss things, and I know it is okay if I do from time to time, but for me, it is too unsettling. I'm not ready.
I cried talking to Nathan, who was incredibly supportive, and never judged me for these feelings, or made me feel like a job and the extra money was more important than my feelings.
I know I was being emotional, and it was probably in part because I hadn't slept in two nights, and once again was up in the middle of the night. I know it had to do with the helpless feeling that came out of Brody's evaluation meeting. It was a meeting that was completely going in Brody's favor, until a random statement made by a substitute therapist in her ONE HOUR time span she has spent with Brody (an observation not one of his parents, or any of the other people evaluation Brody noted) that changed the course of the anticipated amendment to his current IEP drastically. I stated my case, but once again, I felt like I was back in the office for his hearing test, when the audiologist flat out old me I shouldn't have brought him back, looked in his ears, told me they were fine, but once the tests were administered, apologized and said he in fact could barely hear.
I know there are some parents who, rightly so, think the worst and want as much as they can for their child, even when it may not be necessary, because they love their child, and will always worry. I just wish I didn't have to constantly prove to certain people that I know what I am talking about. You would think raising four children should count for something. When my child tells me he can't hear something, that should be a red flag, when he is not progressing at the speed he should, that should be a red flag.
Again last night, I jumped from being there for my kids, to what is going on with Brody, finally, allowing myself to just break down in frustration. I want the very best for my children, because I know they deserve the world. I don't ever want anything to hold Brody back. He is so funny, and smart, and witty, and most people don't know that because they can't understand him. What makes my heart break, is that he is smart enough to know they don't understand him. It frustrates him and makes him upset, and those frustrations come out in many different ways.
I am turning to our pediatrician now, to help me navigate this world of second opinions and advocates. I know it is going to be a bumpy, emotional road.
I think that is all I can write about right now.
And on that note...
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