Days 161 and 162

Mother Nature may not be on the same wavelength as the rest of us in New England, but I for one refuse to let her stop me from taking the kids out and enjoying life.

It is warmer in the sun, after all.

After a good cleaning (and if it seems like I am always cleaning, it is because I am.  You'd have to see the messes my kids can create to believe it.) I bundled up the kids and went out for a good walk with one of my dearest friends who is going through a really rough time.

Friendship is good for the soul.



Once we got home, I did a quick pick up and then went back out to play in the yard with the kids.  Nathan came home from work and joined us.  I love watching him play catch and basketball, and pushing the kids on the swings.

We stayed out until the sun was setting and the even colder air was moving in.

It made me even more excited (if that is possible) for warm summer nights, for firepits and melted marshmellows, for that played in the sun all day exhaustion, where you just feel like you've lived, and your body knows it too.

That inner longing has even made me want to find a bike, and go for bike rides with the kids around a local reservation.

I also want to pack picnic dinners and head to the beach and enjoy the last moments of sun, and watch the waves dance under the moonlight.

I have big plans for this spring/summer.

I am grouping those together because I truly believe we are going to go from the current mid 40's weather, to sunny, hot 80 degree weather.

It may just be a while before we see that.  This is why it will be all the more enjoyable.

After playing outside yesterday, Nathan and I made dinner, and I got the kids in bed, then headed out for a quick workout.

This morning I am very aware of my muscles, but in a good way.  I ache in a way that makes me want to do more.

I have procrastinated on getting the last few things done, and now I have just about an hour to do so.  I already decided to go for a long walk and get the two messiest mess makers out of the house as much as possible.

My inner need to control is taking over, and I am trying to not let that need get out of hand.  I figure relaxation is the key, and just letting all the anxiety fly out and let whatever may happen, happen.

Keira soaking up some life.

Days 158, 159, and 160 ~ Weekend Wrap-Up

My life, if you haven't already grasped from reading my blog, is pretty random.

If there were a word that emphasized random even more I would use it.

I feel like I jump from thing to thing, always diving in full force, and although I usually will see that thing through (mostly because I hate that "what-if" feeling), there are times I don't.

For instance, there was this time when I was in 8th grade and was fascinated by all things John F. Kennedy, and I rented the Warren Commission Report from the library, convinced all that was needed was my fresh set of eyes, and I could solve JFK's murder.

Or the time when I was even younger (maybe 8 or 9) and after a trip to The Museum of Fine Arts in Boston, and being enthralled in the Ancient Egypt exhibit, I bought a book on hieroglyphics, and decided I would teach myself to be fluent in them.  (I'm not sure if that is the correct terminology, but you get the idea.)

Gosh I was a strange child.

Okay, gosh I am a strange person.

Is it any surprise then, that I am throwing myself into the latest project full force.  As I said before, I can't say just yet what it is, but I will say I have spent almost all weekend purging my house of junk and clutter and scrubbing surfaces, and basically getting it "production ready."

We have a producer coming over on Tuesday to meet my family.

No I am not getting my own TLC show.

And although I have jumped in feet first, and I am excited about the possibilities of this project, we have not officially booked it yet, and I am always worried about silly things.
 What kinds of things?
Sure I'll tell you.

I am worried that our dog won't stop barking at new people.
I am worried Brody will insist on wearing some strange concoction of clothes.
I am worried Keira will turn into her attitude filled alter-ego and give people her mad face.
I am worried Ty will roll his eyes, and tell people his entire family is crazy.
I am worried Nate will go on and on and on about some fantastical story, that starts out true and then takes a sharp turn somewhere into the wolves that live in our backyard and hunt raccoons and snakes who he growls at and fights with his bare hands.
I am worried Nathan will never forgive me for this.


Those are just a few.

But then I think of the opportunities and memories, and potential it has, and I forget all about those worries.

Until I am in bed thinking about that closet that needs to be cleaned out, and wondering if they will ask to look inside it, and then they will open it and books and dvds and board games and thousands of Legos, and all those shoes missing a mate will fall all over them and bury them alive and then I'll have to cal 9-1-1 and explain that I didn't know they were going to open that closet, and I'll have to apologize to their families.

I have no idea where Nate gets his imagination from.


I am just about done with the house though. 

I cleaned Friday.

Saturday I went from errands, to dropping of Ty with his friend, to a baby shower, to a birthday party, to the library, to getting Ty to crashing and swearing I'd never pack a day so full again.

Sunday I cleaned (and cooked too) from 9am to 5:11pm.
I know it was 5:11 because I asked Nathan earlier in the day if I could leave for the gym at 5, but I was delayed while feeding the kids dinner, and so 5:11 I walked out the door.

I came home to give the kids baths and get them ready and in bed, then put away 4 loads of laundry, and shower, and finally at 10:30 I sat down to relax.  I think I lasted a whole half hour before I was fast asleep.

Weekend wrap-up photos:

 This is my diet.  I ate about 1/4 of this before I was stuffed.

 This is Nate, practicing his torturing skills on my poor cat, Bella.

This is my mudroom/sunporch.  It is empty and spotless.  It is a miracle.

Day 157

Oh there been times that I thought I couldn't last for long
But now I thinkI'm able to carry on
It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will

~Sam Cooke

I've been talking about that inner restlessness a lot lately.  It is what makes us randomly purge our lives of clutter, clean out our closets, yearn for the change of season, for something new.

Change is good.  It is welcomed in my life.
This persistent, sometimes haunting feeling of need for a change has made me not only want to re-decorate, try new meals (instead of the same boring ones we use every week), dip into spring/summer clothes, change my hair, but it has also made me want to change my health routine.

I always feel that after a number of weeks, I plateau in my fitness life.  I also know that I need to be more aware of what I am putting in my body.  I want more than anything to always set an example for my kids when it comes to eating healthy foods.  I know if they see me eat junk, they will want junk.  If they see me eat healthy food, they will eat healthy food.

I researched a lot, and carefully made my grocery and meal list for the week.

I do this not to starve myself (because I am far from doing that), or restrict myself (because that is no fun), but to make lifestyle changes that will benefit me in so many ways, and give me the energy to continue to be the best I can be for my kids.

To me change means improvement.

So in the spirit of change consider this:

 BEFORE:

AFTER:

Thoughts?

Days 155 and 156

Tuesday I spent the day in preparation.  I received a short monologue recently, to memorize and read for an audition Wednesday, for a very big movie, with some very big name actors. 
Although I had memorized it, I was working out the nuances of the character, and her attitude, and personality.  It was very tongue in cheek, dark, somewhat bad humor.  Anyway, so I spent the day rehearsing, and stressing, and being anxious. 

But by the end of the day, I was feeling ready.
I had practiced walking around in super high shoes all day.  My legs and butt were sore from that alone, somewhat of a bonus.  I know that seems extreme, but the shoes are basically stilts.  I feel like I am on my tippy toes in the them.  But they are cute, and they were very appropriate for the character (think Joy from My Name is Earl.)

Shoes:

I woke up bright and early for a good workout this morning.  I switched things up a bit, which always feels good.  When I got home it was 630 in the morning, but it felt like I was rushed to make it out the door by 930.  Three hours went by in a blink, and I was off to my agency.  It was a good audition, but my casting director believes the part will more than likely be cast out of L.A., the single most frustrating thing you can hear as a local actor. 

For once though, I left the audition completely calm and resigned to the motto "whatever is meant to happen, will happen."

I said a little prayer on my way into my audition today.  I prayed that I could be confidant and secure no matter what.  It is hard going in so many times, and putting yourself out there, only to be told you are too tall, too short, too skinny, too fat, too pretty, too whatever.  It is hard not to take that personally.

That is why I prayed.  I want to always love acting, and never get caught up in the downfalls.

Today, I was rewarded for that.  An exciting opportunity that I believed had passed us by, returned full force into our lives.  I am unfortunately not able to talk about it right now, but I will as soon as possible.

And if this new thing falls through, there will be something else that comes up, because that is the business.

For the rest of the day, I soaked up my kids.  It felt good too.  We giggled and played, and it was perfect.


See this boy?  The one who now only wears shorts, who is wearing a football jersey backwards, and has his shirt tucked in, and his shorts hiked up high.  He is so funny, and I am in love with him, and all his funny quirks.

The End.

Day 154

5 am workouts are a bitch.

I have a 1.7 second window where my alarm goes off and I realize it is because my super peppy, go-get-'em night time self set it at that time to get up and workout, but if that 1.7 second realization passes and I do not actually get up, I am zonked out until 7 when my next "school" alarm goes off.

I know this.

I know my brain has magic persuasive powers that make me rationalize why I don't need to exercise today, and how tomorrow would be better, or that maybe Nathan will come home before 8pm and I could go before dinner, or even if he comes home, I can go after the kids are in bed.

Oh you tricky, tricky, manipulative brain.


The thing is, if I jump up when the alarm goes off, I am actually good.  I dare say I am even awake.

So I had basically this exact monologue in my head this weekend, at the gym actually (because I was peppy, go-get-'em Nicole at the time), and when my alarm went off at 5am I momentarily thought I set it for 1 am, because that is what time it felt like (that is what time my brain wanted me to think it was at least), I shook the thought out, jumped up and left.

Just like that.

Except I peed first and brushed my teeth.

I even made things slightly easier for myself by actually sleeping in my workout clothes.  Think what you will, but getting that extra 2 minutes (okay let's be honest, it's more like ten when I just wake up and am fumbling around in the dark and my stubborn brain is refusing to communicate to my limbs how to perform simple tasks like putting my leg into my pants, and I end up hopping around, tripping over my dog and waking everyone up) to sleep more, is worth literally looking like I just rolled out of bed, because I did.

And the people who frequent the gym at 5am don't seem to care that my mascara from the day before has smudged all around my eyes, and I look like a raccoon.
On yet another tangent, I should say I really wish I was one of those women who have a nightly routine, and stand in front of the mirror, washing their face before bed, applying their nightly moisturizer, a little headband holding their hair back, talking to their husband about some important thing.  But I'm not.  When I am done for the night, I am done, and I am lucky to remember to change into pjs, and not fall asleep standing at the sink doing dishes, or in one of my kids' beds.

That is the truth.  Maybe I will adopt a nightly routine when I am thirty.

Yes, I definitely will.  Thirty sounds like a totally appropriate age to have a good nightly routine.



I think I get a lot more accomplished when I am awake that early.

And I think it makes me a better mom.

How?
Oh, well why don't I tell you!

For example, I am more apt to whip up some pancakes, maybe add chocolate chips, or blueberries.
Or some scrambled eggs and bacon.
Or french toast.

If I don't wake up early, cereal or waffles in the toaster.

See?
Better mom.  (Take that manipulative, procrastinating brain!)

I got so much laundry done, I read lots of books with the kids, I allowed Keira to convince me she had to go to the bathroom every 7 minutes (she really just has an obsession with sitting on her Dora seat), and that was okay because by 9am, I had the dishes done, the floors swept, the counters and cabinets and walls cleaned, the laundry was already in, and toys were being picked up as they were coming out.

Ladies and gentleman, maybe I found the key to life.

Or the key to my life.  I'm sure all of you are more responsible and make your children pancakes whenever they want, and have your houses clean all the time.

I bet you also drink a lot of coffee.

I don't.

I hate coffee.

Yes, I said it.  I HATE COFFEE.

And even though I like to steal a bite out of my kids munchkins every now and then, I actually hate donuts too.

I had a friend over in the afternoon, and I get as excited for adult conversation as my kids would for a trip to Disney World.


I realize I have strayed so far off what I began talking about.  That is my brain rebelling.  Getting me back for all the snide comments I have made.  It wants you to think I am crazy.

I probably am.

But yesterday was a good day.


If I was talking to you in person right now, and happened to have a microphone in my hand, I would now lean in and say "Nicole, OUT!"

Then I'd turn super dramatically, drop the mic and while walking away throw my arms up in the air, hands giving off peace signs.

Days 152 and 153

The weekend wrap up.

When things occur throughout each day, and even more so during the weekend, I tend to think sometimes "oh this is a good thing to write about" and then of course, my mind tucks that thought in some deep cavern and when I go to retrieve it, it is seemingly lost.  I will remember whatever it was somewhere during my third load of laundry, while scrubbing crayon off the floor, and rushing to get a backpack packed, naturally.

This weekend I almost have gotten us caught up with laundry, although the folded clothes have yet to make their way into the drawers (that is on the schedule for today.)

I officially reunited with the gym.  I refuse to let pneumonia win and take back all the hard work I have put in this past year.  It is so easy for a procrastinator like myself to use it as an excuse.  Well guess what?  I'm not letting it happen.  Not this time.

We kept things pretty laid back Saturday, and hung around the house getting things done, playing outside during some downtime, watching a movie at night.  It was good.

Sunday I woke up to make cookies for one of my best friends and her husband who had their second son on Saturday evening, and got the house in order, then headed off to run a couple of errands and color hair.  The kids played at my mom's house, and had a blast.  That evening my car started acting funny, and until we figure out what is wrong and fix it, I am not driving, which creates a whole heap of chaos, but we'll work it out.  I still got to go visit my friend's cute, snuggly, teeny-tiny baby boy, who is as cute as can be.  I love babies.  I LOVE babies. I love babies.

So now, here are some pictures.  Enjoy!

Days 149, 150, and 151

Mother Nature has been so very good to us.  We needed this rejuvenation of sun and warmth.  There is a freedom in not wearing a bunch of layers, and not having that big, puffy, winter jacket on.

Not that I ever wear a big, puffy, winter jacket.

But my kids do, and I am usually zipping them up.

We have been trying out a lot of great new recipes.  We have rediscovered daily walks, and our swingset, and ride-on toys.

We had lunch out on the picnic table.

It has been glorious.

The kids and I are even sporting some color on our faces.  Keira however has surpassed us all and has a full on dark tan.  Go figure.

I felt like an inept mother on Thursday, as I saw every mother I am friends with on facebook post pictures of their kids in green.

Not one of my children wore green this year.  Not-a-one.

But that's okay.  They weren't scarred for life.  I doubt they'll tell their therapist some day that all of their problems stemmed from that one year their mom forgot to celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

Who knows, maybe my lack of emphasis on the holiday will save my kids from putting too much into March 17th in the future and they won't feel the need to go binge drinking.  I'll go with that.

A friend of mine put it best by saying "Happy everyone is drunk and Irish Day, not to be confused with Happy everyone is drunk and Mexican day."

Here are some photos from the past few days.  The boys have been having major basketball games, and have forbidden me from taking pictures, or refused to stay still long enough for me to snap any.

Good thing Keira's cute.

 I think I love this so much because she is enjoying the feel of the sun on her face.

 The art of the "kiss" face.

 Nothing better than babies falling asleep on long walks.

 Bubbles.  Hours of entertainment.

Nate lost BOTH of his front teeth on St. Patrick's Day.  He now looks sort of funny, but more grown up, and has a funny little lisp.  Also now he is super dramatic about what he can and can not eat. 

Days 145-148

So far behind, so very much to catch up on.

But life has been full, and that is all one can ask for, right?


Saturday We went from Ty's baseball tryouts, to Ty's playoff basketball game (they sadly lost by 3 points, after leading almost the entire game,) to the park for a couple of hours of running around and playing baseball with the kids (because it was beautiful out), to home for baths and shower and dinner and bed.

Keira raising her stick at the park/baseball field.

I woke up on Sunday morning to Brody and Keira in the middle of my bed, sleeping like this:

  Melted my heart.  Completely.  I almost melted right through the floor.  Their relationship has really developed and blossomed.  They are as close as can be, and I hope it remains that way always.

Sunday seemed to be traveling a million miles an hour.  It may have have had something to do with daylight savings, but I will not  complain about that, because I happen to love, love, love more time to play outside, and more time to run, and more time to go for walks, and more time to soak up some vitamin D, and more time to do all the things that I have been missing these past few winter months.
Sunday morning Ty had two of his friends over to rehearse for their school's talent show auditions.  While they were over, I made a massive batch of spring rolls to take to my grandmother's birthday party.  I picked out my clothes for my video shoot later that night (I had to bring a few different choices.)  As soon as Ty's friends left, we rushed out to my grandmother's party.  We had a great time visiting with family.
In fact, we had such a great time, that the actual time creeped up on me and I ended up dashing back home just in time to change and say goodnight to the kids and head into Boston.
The location of the video shoot was at the Boston Public Library.  Although I have briefly been inside before, I did not remember much about it.  It is stunning to say the least.
We waited a very, very long time to shoot.  Just about three hours to be exact.  There were only 16 of us cast as "dancers", and we spent most of that time talking and getting to know each other.  We also spent the time watching the band film outside in the freezing cold.  They looked amazing.  When it was time to film we went upstairs, and I was blown away by just how ornate and intricately beautiful the library is.  I wish I had thought to bring my phone with me upstairs just to snap a few photos of the rooms we were in.
We danced a lot, and did a bunch of takes.  (We were filming Night Shift's video for DJ Got Us Fallin In Love Again, which once our video is out, you will see we filmed it to look exactly like Usher's video.)  We watched a playback at the end of the shoot, and it look so incredibly cool.  I honestly can not wait for you all to see it. 
It all made that fire inside me roar that much more. 

Monday I was beyond tired.  It was a struggle to do much of anything.  I picked up as best as I could, and went through the daily motions.  There was a lot of snuggling and book reading thrown in though, because on Monday, that is what was comforting and what felt right.
We also went to Ty's school for his talent show tryouts.

Tuesday morning was spent at an audition, followed by dropping Nate off at school, having a friend stop by for a bit, having one of Ty's friends over after school, and the best part of the whole day, having my washer fixed after almost two whole weeks.

TWO WHOLE WEEKS.

So clearly you know what I will be doing for the rest of the week.

If I can manage to crawl out from under the 10,897 lbs of dirty clothes around me.

At least you'll know where to look if you haven't seen me for a while.

Day 144

Last night Nathan and I hung out with the kids, got them into bed, and settled down with a glass of wine, ready to relax for the night.

At about 9pm, my phone alerted me to a new email.  Out of what Nathan would call a very annoying habit, I picked it up to see it was from my agency.  Earlier in the day (after my audition, which was hilarious, and if you are friends with me on facebook, you have read my posts about having to wear a figure skating costume that was made for me back in 8th grade), and immediately after getting a call about three more auditions for Monday, I got an email from the owner of my agency about submitting my info to a client for a music video shoot this weekend.  I told her that was fine, and I was available.  I didn't think much about it, because frankly, I get these emails often, and once submitted, things go to the client who goes through what is called the "pick list" (a whole bunch of photos and resumes the agency hands them) and decides who they want.

That 9pm email?  It was telling me the client chose me, and I booked the job!

This is amazing for the following reasons:

• I booked a job.
• I will be getting a paycheck.
• I have not booked a job since The Game Plan.
• My new year's resolution was to throw myself in full force, into the acting business again.
• I have been going on so many auditions, etc and have booked a job after THREE months of making that resolution.
• If you think three months is a long time, it is not, it is relatively fast.
• I get to wear pretty clothes.
• I get paid.
• Did I mention I will get a paycheck?
• I BOOKED A FREAKING JOB.

This is me.  Happy. 

Okay and a little smug.


I film Sunday night, and I couldn't be more excited.

And to those who have texted/called/sent facebook messages, and have supported me and been super encouraging and by my side, I say thank you.

Days 141, 142, and 143

Escape.

We are craving it.  The pent up winter energy is creeping out of our pores.

Don't get me wrong.  I actually enjoy the winter.  There is something very satisfying about the change of seasons, and getting to see everything "sleep" for the winter, to grow back in beautiful colors in the spring/summer.  It makes me appreciate each season.  I just wish sometimes, winter was only a month or so long.  Because snow is pretty and all, and finding inside activities can be a nice break, and well, hot chocolate and snuggling under the blankets is amazing, BUT I need warm air more.  I need beach trips and dirty feet from running around outside barefoot.  I need the smell of fresh cut grass, and walks to the park, or anywhere.  I need less t.v. distractions, and more good books being read while sipping lemonade and dipping my feet in the kiddie pool.

So am I totally excited that I saw two days in the sixties predicted for next week?  Yes.

I have a strong feeling, maybe more of an internal instinct that the hibernation period is coming to a close.

I even saw the green sprouts of my gorgeous tulips peeking out of the ground.

This year Nathan and I have talked a lot about our garden.  We have always wanted a nice garden, one constantly blooming.  We have tried, but not wholeheartedly.  Gardening was one of the things Sharon did so well, and loved so much.  She was known for her amazing gardens throughout her already beautiful property.  Because of all of this, Nathan and I have decided to jump in and go all out for the garden this year.  We are already planning and getting excited about the possibilities.

We have spent the past few days taking it somewhat easy.  I am still, of course, recovering.  We have made little trips to places like the library and craft store.

We have been painting a lot lately, which has come about out of the necessity for finding something we haven't done yet this winter, and therefore will keep everyone from getting cabin fever.

We have been opening the windows and venturing outside when we can.

I am entering a surge of auditions, and am excited about the possibilities and opportunities that they hold for me, and for my family.

Everything feels full and new and very much on the verge, with life in general right now.

It is a good place to be.

It is an even better place to be to see that, and feel that.  There is a larger gratitude for the moment, when you are aware that the winter is closing and life is kicking into bloom right in front of you.

Day 140

First, who (no cheating) can name what movie this song is from?

Seriously, DO NOT CHEAT.

It makes me want to do my best riverdancing impressions.  And hop and dance around my kitchen.

I recently forced Nathan to suffer through me watching aka saying every line from the movie.  He is not a fan of me doing this.  But if I have to watch 3:10 to Yuma (which I used to like until Nathan seemingly only watches that now, and is miraculously is on any time he takes control of the t.v.) then he can deal with me reciting every line from this movie, or any other one I care to as well.

It's not like I force him to go to the movies with me and Kerrie.

Believe it or not, this is a punishment, because as I said before, we don't shut up... ever.  It's like we immediately revert back to being 13 years old, and we just convinced our parents to waste money on Bop or Teen Beat magazine, so we know all the latest gossip on anyone and everyone.

Are you still with me?

I overdid it yesterday, and paid for it last night, when I became horribly tired.  That continued into today, but I refused to let it take over my life.  I snuggled with the kids in the morning, and then once Nate and Ty were in school, I took a nice walk with Brody and Keira.  I even dared to go without a stroller, (it must be due to my sick brain that I decided to do that.) but they were cooperative, well behaved, and didn't complain at all.  I think their older brothers whine more.  It must be that Brody and Keira were just grateful I was off the couch and actively interacting with them.

Funny little story; while wiping Brody's butt the other day, he gently rubbed my leg and said "Your legs are beautiful mama."  It was such a sweet moment, and he was being so genuine and loving.  Too bad he was bent over and I was wiping smelly poop from his butt.  It made me laugh, and smile.

Here's another random tid bit for you.  I stink at some basic girl things.  I love fashion.  Heck, I used to work in the center of Boston's fashion world pre-kiddos.  I had mostly designer clothes, and my mom will gladly remind me of my former disgust with the store I now could not live without, Marshalls.
But today, I was suddenly slapped in the face with my disgusting, falling apart, hand me down purse.
I generally do not buy pocket books.  My last few have been barely used hand me downs.
What kind of woman am I that I would even walk around with suck a tattered, old, falling apart thing?
Well, I decided that an evening clutch looked much better than this purse, and I rummaged through the cookie and cracker crumbs, broken crayons, random lip glosses, and a diaper that is a size too small now, decided there was nothing of use in it, and tossed it.
Evening clutch it is for now.

The floor of my car very closely resembled the bottom of my purse until yesterday, when I pulled over a trash barrel and cleaned it.  I even vacuumed it out.  No longer will I rush the kids out of the car for fear that a juice box, ten match cars, two dolls, and a sippy cup with old milk will fall out while I am talking to another mother at their school.

Because that would be embarrassing, and has never ever happened before.

Pffffshhhhhh.

The vacuum may or may not still be in my car.

At least it is clean though, right?

I swear I will change my dirty car and disgusting old purse habit before I am thirty.

Brody snuggling with me.  I love snuggling.

The new skirt I made for Keira.  I am in love with it and it took me a half hour to make. 

Day 139 ~ Being Nicole

Recently some photos were posted on facebook from Nathan's brother Jesse, and his wife Brandie's East Coast wedding reception.
Naturally I criticized (in my head) the photos with me in them.

Here I will let you into my head so you can understand why I am such a weirdo.

I am always amazed that I have such a big mouth.  Or that I open it really widely, and animatedly when I talk.  This shouldn't be such a shock, but alas, I see this and I think it looks like I am about to eat someone's head.

Family photo with Nathan's fam.  I immediately looked at Sharon here.  I also feel slightly embarrassed that my big head is half covering Bob's face and ruining the shot.  Also, why did I feel the need to pose with my hand on my hip.  Not the red carpet Nicole, not the red carpet.  Nathan looks sufficiently awkward an uncomfortable with having his photo taken though.  That makes me laugh.  A lot.

This photo feels slightly voyeuristic.  I think I look like I was judging someone.  Or thinking in my head something not nice.  I probably was doing this.  Sometimes I am a bad person and think really bad things.  I would have to know what/who I was looking at to know and share it though.  Maybe I was looking at someone having their photo taken and posing with one hand on their hip.  Because, who would do something like THAT?  Also... boobs.

One of the most fun nights ever dancing was this night right here.  However, I will tell you I announced this night that I was going to be a millionaire by teaching fist pumping classes in gyms.  True story.  I totally announced that.  By the looks of it, I was practicing for my class.  Also, my legs look pleasantly thin, yet I have an intense urge to go to inner thigh lifts.

I love Brandie.  Also... BOOBS.  (Sorry dad.)

I am laughing a LOT at this.  I have no idea what amazing dance move I was doing, but I think it is fantastic and I intend on breaking it out all the time now.

Boobs.

Okay, I am obsessed with this one for a few reasons.  The first being, I am doing an "ugly laugh" the cousin of the "ugly cry", do you know the difference?  A pretty cry is simple, some tears, maybe a few unsteady breaths.  An ugly cry is where you can't catch your breath, your face gets blotchy and red, there may be some snot dripping out of your nose, and you usually are unable to make any sense.

Take that an apply it to laughing.  A normal laugh is a normal laugh, but then there is an ugly laugh, where you (in my case) apparently get a double chin, and you may snort a time or two, can't catch your breath, and may even pee your pants a tad bit, or a whole lot. 
Another reason? Ba-Ba-Ba-BOOBS

Anyway, now that we've cleared that up, I remember dancing and laughing this night, and the fact that there is a photo capturing a very major ugly laugh, makes me happy.  I'm pretty sure when Brandie visits next month, there will be many more ugly laughs.

Your welcome for wasting a few of your brain cells on the nonsense that floats around in my brain.

Days 137 and 138

Recovery is slowly coming along.  It certainly isn't fun or easy, but at least it is something.
Nathan was offered free Celtics tickets for Friday night, so since he took Ty last time, he took Nate this time.  I watched MegaMind with Brody and Keira, while Ty opted to watch the Red Sox/Celtics, and one other basketball game.

My mom offered to take the kids on Saturday, so I was able to rest some more.  Usually I have to force myself to rest and take it easy, but thankfully sleep came easily. 

I have to use my inhalers around the clock, as frequently as is allowed, and I hate the jittery, shaky feeling that they give me.

The heavy duty medicine I am on, I can only take right before bed.  It knocks me out, and makes my brain feel fuzzy.  This is a good thing while going to bed, because I can actually sleep, and am rarely woken up by coughing fits, but when I have to use my inhaler, and have already taken the medicine, my body feel at war with itself, where my brain is saying go to sleep, yet my whole body is shaking like it was just given an injection of adrenaline.  That is the only way I know how to describe it.
I think my fever is mostly gone, which is a massive step forward. 

Ty's team played in the first round of basketball playoffs today, as the underdogs of the game.  His team led for most of the game, but the other team came back and tied it up, and then in the last minute of the game they scored and won!

 Keira trying om her new bathing suit (I bought a 2T, but it is way too big) however she refused to take it off.

I found this picture in my phone.  One of the boys must have snapped it one day when I  fell asleep on Brody.  He makes a lovely pillow, and a wonderful snuggle partner.

Day 136

Pneumonia.

Both lungs.

One worse than the other.

According to my doc, if both were as bad as my right, I would have been immediately shipped off to the hospital.  (This is partly because I have a very long history of pneumonia/bronchitis/asthma die to both.)

I am on heavy duty meds, and hopefully will be completely fever free in the next 48 hours.

So now I am scouring my cabinets for easy dinners and praying that my body responds well to the medicine.

Good thing I sucked it up and went to the doctor, huh?

Days 134 and 135

All that talk about miraculously not being sick as flown so far out the window that I think it may be out of the Earth's atmosphere altogether at this point.

I am thankfully not speaking of the kids (despite Brody's random 24 hour fever, all the kids are fine.)  I am speaking about myself.

I believe this is what death feels like.

I can not remember being this sick.

How am I even typing right now?  Some heavy duty ibuprofen and a little caffeine via green tea.

I knew Tuesday night I was coming down with something, but got up early to do a 5am gym time on Wednesday, in hopes of sweating it out.  Boy was that dumb.
I rapidly became moire and more ill, my fever rising and not stopping.  I have been in and out of consciousness ever since.

Besides a high fever, I have chills and am achy all over, and a horrid cough that makes my head feel like it is going to explode.

I am praying it gets better and leaves my body soon.

Day 133 ~ Content.

Content: Mentally or emotionally satisfied with the way things are.

"Woman's discontent increases in exact proportion to her development."
Elizabeth Stanton

"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation."
Oscar Wilde

While emailing back and forth with my mom today, I was telling her how I could tell I was getting sick, to which she replied that I should try to take it easy.  I thought this was sort of funny, so I asked her how she thought I should do that.  She suggested maybe going to bed early, in lieu of a trip to the gym, etc.

This idea seemed silly to me.  However, it made me think a lot.  I questioned why it seemed so absurd that I would skip something that I got so much out of, for sleep, which I know I am lacking.  What I decided was it came down to contentment.

Bear with me here.

There are many things that I feel fulfilled by.  My children, Nathan, my family, my friends.  But I would be lying if I said I was content with almost anything.
The gym evokes feelings of my body, which will always be a work in progress.  I am not content with it right now, so I feel I owe it to myself to work on that, change it, mold it, make it the best it can be.  I have long said one of my biggest pet peeves is listening to people talk about how unsatisfied they are with their body, proclaiming the are overweight, and yet they don't put forth a valiant effort to change it.
That does not just apply to weight and body image, but it does to almost anything.  I am under the firm belief that if you want something, you need to go out and get it.  I know this is a dreamer's mentality, and I know realistically you will not obtain each and every thing that you desire in this world, but I feel we owe it to ourselves to at least try.  The worst thing that can happen is that you don't achieve what you set out to, but if you know in your heart that you tried your hardest, then a sense of satisfaction will take over and the "what-if" feeling is not lingering in the forefront of your mind.

I feel like I am still in the rough draft stage of my life.  I've almost got it, but there is still a lot of editing to do.  And I am content knowing that.

I have learned a lot about myself lately.  Not only has this exercise in daily (or as close to daily as I can get) posts helped, but also a general awareness or awakening inside me, almost like my engine has been idling for a while, and now I am getting ready for the Indie 500.

The thing is, the more I thought about the idea of contentment, of actually being fully content in your life, the more I decided I do not want to be.

I never want to be complacent, I always want to be in the process of bettering myself and learning and growing.  There are so many things I want to do and accomplish in this one life I have, and I feel like to be content would hold me back, would slow my drive for more out of this life.

So for now, if that means I wake up at 5 in the morning to get a good workout in, than that is what I am going to do, because even if I feel a little bit tired, I know it is worth the sacrifice to chip away at my body goals.

If it means I have to go on audition after audition, and come so close I can taste it, only to not get the job in the end, that is okay, because that fuels the hunger of my artistic spirit and makes me want it that much more.

The give and take of life will always be present.  No goal can be accomplished without taking from some other area in my life.  I am confident in that fact.  It is a balancing act that will constantly change and be perfected through my life.

At the end of it all though, to never be content, to always be bettering myself, so in turn I can be a better mother, daughter, girlfriend/wife, friend, actress, is worth it, and I am sure in my last breaths I will have a full sense of contentment with never settling, and always reaching for all that is possible.