"Woman's discontent increases in exact proportion to her development."
Elizabeth Stanton
"Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation."
Oscar Wilde
While emailing back and forth with my mom today, I was telling her how I could tell I was getting sick, to which she replied that I should try to take it easy. I thought this was sort of funny, so I asked her how she thought I should do that. She suggested maybe going to bed early, in lieu of a trip to the gym, etc.
This idea seemed silly to me. However, it made me think a lot. I questioned why it seemed so absurd that I would skip something that I got so much out of, for sleep, which I know I am lacking. What I decided was it came down to contentment.
Bear with me here.
There are many things that I feel fulfilled by. My children, Nathan, my family, my friends. But I would be lying if I said I was content with almost anything.
The gym evokes feelings of my body, which will always be a work in progress. I am not content with it right now, so I feel I owe it to myself to work on that, change it, mold it, make it the best it can be. I have long said one of my biggest pet peeves is listening to people talk about how unsatisfied they are with their body, proclaiming the are overweight, and yet they don't put forth a valiant effort to change it.
That does not just apply to weight and body image, but it does to almost anything. I am under the firm belief that if you want something, you need to go out and get it. I know this is a dreamer's mentality, and I know realistically you will not obtain each and every thing that you desire in this world, but I feel we owe it to ourselves to at least try. The worst thing that can happen is that you don't achieve what you set out to, but if you know in your heart that you tried your hardest, then a sense of satisfaction will take over and the "what-if" feeling is not lingering in the forefront of your mind.
I feel like I am still in the rough draft stage of my life. I've almost got it, but there is still a lot of editing to do. And I am content knowing that.
I have learned a lot about myself lately. Not only has this exercise in daily (or as close to daily as I can get) posts helped, but also a general awareness or awakening inside me, almost like my engine has been idling for a while, and now I am getting ready for the Indie 500.
The thing is, the more I thought about the idea of contentment, of actually being fully content in your life, the more I decided I do not want to be.
I never want to be complacent, I always want to be in the process of bettering myself and learning and growing. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish in this one life I have, and I feel like to be content would hold me back, would slow my drive for more out of this life.
So for now, if that means I wake up at 5 in the morning to get a good workout in, than that is what I am going to do, because even if I feel a little bit tired, I know it is worth the sacrifice to chip away at my body goals.
If it means I have to go on audition after audition, and come so close I can taste it, only to not get the job in the end, that is okay, because that fuels the hunger of my artistic spirit and makes me want it that much more.
The give and take of life will always be present. No goal can be accomplished without taking from some other area in my life. I am confident in that fact. It is a balancing act that will constantly change and be perfected through my life.
At the end of it all though, to never be content, to always be bettering myself, so in turn I can be a better mother, daughter, girlfriend/wife, friend, actress, is worth it, and I am sure in my last breaths I will have a full sense of contentment with never settling, and always reaching for all that is possible.
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