I haven't posted.
It's been a rough, looking inward, shutting myself off from the world past few days.
I went with the skirt outfit ultimately because I felt more comfortable in that. I will start by telling you that.
I went to my audition and felt prepared and ready to nail it.
There were two girls who went in to read before me. Then, the casting director came out, got me, and walked me into the room. She said, two steps prior to entering "so we're not going to have you read for Jenny or Jill, you are going to read for Stacy."
TWO STEPS PRIOR TO ENTERING.
"Ohhhhhh, uhhhh okay"
That was all I could muster. My head was spinning. Eight whole pages memorized at meticulously gone through. Inflections questioned on every word. Expressions rehearsed in the mirror. Gone. Out the window.
I was disappointed to say the least.
The next twelve minutes were a blur. I stood up, did my slate (stating my name and union affiliation), the panned down with the camera to see my body on film, I sat, was introduced to the seven people in the room, the director gave me some backround on the scene, and the script reader guy asked me if I was ready and that was it.
I know I did okay.
I also know If I had been as prepared as I was for those other two roles, I would have been great.
When I was done, I stood up and took one last shot and asked "Soooo, no Jill?"
"Nope, you did great!"
I left feeling defeated and annoyed and upset.
I definitely worked this up in my head. I wanted to beg them to let me read the other part and throw whatever they had in their heads about what Jill looked like out the window.
I pushed it out of my mind and told myself I had no control over these things.
We've been busy with holiday events and basketball games and shopping and crafting, so I have been busy, but Saturday night my mom took me to see The Fighter.
If you remember, this was the big movie I auditioned for a year and a half ago. This was the movie I read for numerous times, and made it to the final cut for. There were twelve of us left, only six were cast as the sisters of Micky Ward and Dicky Eckland.
I told my mom I wasn't sure how exactly I would handle seeing this movie, that happens to have snagged six Golden Globe Awards and is talked about in so many categories for Academy Awards. These what ifs stay with me folks. The what if of if I had said this line instead of the other one (a lot of that audition was improve during a fight scene), the what if of where my life would be right now if I had gotten that role, the what if of dressing worse to look uglier in the audition (remember how insecure I was about going in with no makeup on?).
There are very few professions in this world where you have to look so into yourself. I am constantly being told how great of an actress I am, but I just don't look like this or that, or I am too tall, short, thin or fat, or lately too pretty (I know wah wah wah right?)
But these things can get to you. The creep under your skin. A skin that has to be tough.
Anyway, I have taken these few days to reflect. I have taken them to submerge myself in preparing for Christmas and taking my mind off things, which is very hard for me to do.
I have decided that when I finally get that break, it will be perfect and wonderful and I will be so thankful that that one was the first one. Until then, I just have to let go and trust the powers that be.
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